Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
