I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
