when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
