I wish I could teleport
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
