Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
