Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
