Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Too much gin, very little bucket
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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