what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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