Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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