I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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