Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
