We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
