so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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