The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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