i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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