3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
