im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
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Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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