Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
