saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
