Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
