i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
