I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
