cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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