this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize