you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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