The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
