You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
