and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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