If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
