If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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