I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
