The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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