I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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