to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
