im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
