don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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