all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
