i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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