Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
