take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
