Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
