I'm eating all of the evidence.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
