final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
