I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
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His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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