time to smoke my breakfast
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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