Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
