when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
