i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
