6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
