They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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