dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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