She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i think i have two assholes
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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