We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
