I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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