It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
