i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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