I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
